Heheheh...they said what?! NEW! PART *5*!!!!!!
by firemage1
Summary: Yeah, I know it's been a while. Hey, I needed major inspiration! So here it is...part 5, containing more of the sensitive side of Voldie and one scene based on Shrek. *So don't sue me* Please r/r!! I need the comments!!!!
1. Heheheh...they said what?! - 1

Things Harry Potter characters wouldn't be caught saying

When they're alone:

Lockhart:Okay!I admit it…I pick my nose when no one's watching me.

Hermione:You want the truth?I pay people to do my homework for me so I always get A's!

Voldemort:In my spare time, I like to kill people, take control of people's bodies, and play with Barbie dolls and bunny rabbits.

Lucius Malfoy:I sew sweaters and send them to the poor little Muggles in London.

Draco Malfoy:I practice ballet in my basement.

Pansy:I kiss pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio and I throw darts at Malfoy's picture.

Dobby:Dobby uses his wages to be playing poker!

Percy:I throw parties in my office every week and I don't invite the Ministry of Magic people!Ha!That's what they get for not promoting me!

Harry:I practice my signature for when I'm grown up and even more famous.

Ron:I keep a secret stash of money in my pillow and I do Hermione's homework for her.

If they lived in the U.S.:

Lockhart:What?You've never heard of me??I'm Gilderoy Lockhart!

Voldemort:I think I'll consider a career in directing.

Dobby:Vegas, here I come!_(Wears a pair of boxers and a tie with one of those hats the dealers in casinos always wears.)_

Hermione:Eating spree!Pass the onion rings!_(Sits in front of a plate of French fries, a cheeseburger, onion rings, and a milkshake.)_

Draco Malfoy:Ooh la la!Britney Spears!_(Holds a long poster of Britney Spears.)_

Harry:I need Daily Focus contact lenses._(Stomps on his glasses.)_

Ron:I'm going to dye my hair and pierce my ears!

Lucius Malfoy:I invented the Internet.

Wormtail:I think I'll do the Stock Market…

Dumbledore:I believe I will work on my tan.

Uncle Vernon:I'm going to work out in the gym every day and sculpt my body to perfection.

Dudley:Jenny Craig?Hmmm…that's a possibility.


	2. Heheheh...they said what?! - 2

Things Harry Potter characters wouldn't be caught saying

The continuation…mwahahaha!

To each other:

Harry to Voldemort:You killed my father!

Voldemort:No Harry…I _am _your father…

Harry:Noooooo!_(Falls down a space pit, just like Luke Skywalker!)_

Dobby to Harry:Where are Dobby's monthly Galleons?How is Dobby going to be betting in blackjack today if Dobby doesn't have his Galleons?

Harry:I told you, I don't have them today!

Dobby:Well, then!!Dobby is going to stop pretending to be Harry Potter's fan!And Harry Potter can have his socks back, too!

Harry to Dumbledore:Sir, do you really think Volde – I mean, You-Know-Who, is coming back?

Dumbledore:Oh, sure!Me and Voldie used to be partners in crime back in boot camp!

Ron to Hermione:What do you have for your last inch of parchment?

Hermione:_(Looks up from reading "Teen People".)_Hmm?Oh, I haven't done it.Go ask Neville.

Ron:Why?

Hermione:_(Sighs impatiently.)_Well, if you must know, Neville does all my homework for me.He's a genius!

Professor McGonagall to Professor Trelawney:So what do you want to do tonight?

Trelawney:Let's paint our nails!Oh, and I want to try this new hairstyle on you!

McGonagall:Did you foresee that?

Trelawney:Absolutely, girl!!Oh, by the way…_(whispers)_ How are you holding up?

McGonagall:Great!The students don't have any idea that we're friends!

Trelawney:We're holding up both our reputations!_(Both jump up and down and scream.)_

If they lived in the U.S. (continued):

Harry:Wassssuuuupppp??!!

Dumbledore:_(Tune to "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith) _And I don't wanna miss a tha-ang…How's that, Stevie?

Steve Tyler:We'll call you.And don't call me Stevie.

Lucius Malfoy:Sit down, Draco…I am going to teach about something very important.Something you'll want to remember forever………Draco, my son, it's time you found out about…The Chad.

Dobby:Antie up, boys._(Is that how you spell it?)_

_ _

Hermione:_(Singing.)_There's no business like show business!

Draco Malfoy:What would you get a role as?A stunt chipmunk?

Hermione:Jump off a cliff, Malfoy.

Lottery guy:And today's lucky number, for the $1 million dollars, is…number 54!

Ron:51?Hmm…hey, that's my number!Oh my gosh!I won the Muggle Lottery!I won the Muggle Lottery!!

Mr. Weasley:Not fair, Ron!I wanted to win the Muggle Lottery!

Draco Malfoy:Father, I think it's time I got a facelift.My nose is too long.

Voldemort:I'm going to be a punk rocker!Marilyn Manson, you're my hero!

Dumbledore:_(Under his breath.)_You'd certainly look like him.


	3. Heheheh...they said what?! - 3

Heheheh…they said what?!

Yep, I did it again.Be afraid…be very afraid.

Had they been celebrities on TV:

Announcer:_(In a bored voice.)_And now, back to…Hagrid Live!…and now, please welcome your host, Hagrid.

Hagrid:All righ', ev'rybody?Today we're gonna make me world famous treacle pudding!We'll jus' add a bit o' this here sugar, and BAM!_(Audience hoots and claps.)_

Rita:He had everything going for him – a steady career as a nationwide author, hordes of female fans chasing after him, and fives times a winner of _Witch Weekly's_ Most-Charming-Smile Award…what went wrong?Today on _Rita_, we'll talk to Gilderoy Lockhart, who had practically everything he wanted and then one day…he just forgot what his name was. 

Voldie:Welcome to _Aerobics With Voldie!_Today we're going to focus on the lower abdominal section and I'm going to work on my six-pack!_(Jumps up and down like an idiot.)_One, two, three, jump!Grapevine…

Lockhart - before he lost his memory:Some people know me as a stunningly-pretty-yet-incredibly-clever-and-talented author.Others know me as a fearless-but-always-brave-and-punctual warrior against the Dark Arts.Well now I can cook and sew and make the best curtains in the whole wizarding world.So shut up and watch my show!_(Smiles pleasantly.)_

_ _

Alex Trebek (sp?):Let's welcome our contestants today…we have Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, and Neville Longbottom._(Audience claps politely.)_Now let's take a look at our categories:Dark Lords; Past and Present; What is your IQ?; A rat bit me – now what do I do?; and last, Snotty Celebrities gone bad.Our first contestant will be Crabbe.What'll you pick?

Crabbe:My nose._(Starts picking his nose.)_

Audience:Ewwww!

If they lived in the U.S:__

_ _

Hagrid:Me?A career in basketball?Tha' has it's possibilities…_(Rubs his chin thoughtfully.)_

Dobby to Winky:Now that Winky is in America, Dobby has a solution to all of your problems!_(Winky hiccups and falls on her face.)_Winky will be helping Dobby deal cards for the blackjack players in Vegas!

Lucius Malfoy:_(Wearing a tye-dye shirt and sunglasses and strumming a two-stringed guiter very badly.He wears a brown tangled curly wig.Sings out of tune…)_Stop the war!Stop, stop the war!Stop the war!

Draco Malfoy:_(From under a chair.)_There is no war, Father.

Lucius Malfoy:Just getting in the mood, son!_(Hits guitar to the beat.)_Vote for Gore!Vote, vote for Gore!*

Draco Malfoy:Oy, vay…

Lucius Malfoy:Don't forget about the Social Security Lockbox, son!

Hermione:Wow!This stuff is amazing!What have I been missing out on?_(Squirts mousse all over her head but doesn't bother to rub it in.)_The perfect solution for when it rains!

Dean Thomas:Dang it!These pictures don't move!_(Stabs a picture of the U.S Women's Soccer Team.)_

Ron:What have I been telling you all these times?!

Lockhart:_(Smiles.)_Would you like some fries with that?

*I don't really support Gore.I just like using him because he's done so much weird stuff in public.


	4. Heheheh...they said what?! - 4

Heheheh…they said what?!

When will there be an end??

Responses to the joke "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"

Ron:Wood chuck?Is that another Muggle invention?

Mr. Weasley:No, Ron, it is a great joke invented by the Muggles!Genius, pure genius!Those little Muggles always find more and more ways to keep amused.

Voldemort:I don't know and I don't care!If those wood chucks could rid the world of Muggles and Harry Potter, then that would be something!But no, they have to go chuck their wood!_(Wormtail whispers something in his ear.)_What?!Now Nagini has gone to live amongst the wood chucks??This is an outrage!

Lucius Malfoy:Can these wood chucks vote?Can they properly poke out a chad and read?I think not!

Hermione:What a stupid question.Why bother asking if they can't even chuck wood?They can't even live up to their name!

Fred:What are those things called?Tongue Twisters?What kind of name is that?

George:Tongue Twisters…hey, Fred!Wouldn't that sound like a great joke item?Weasley's Tongue Twisters!

Fred:Say, now you're talking!

Dumbledore:Now, now, those wood chucks are very industrious, indeed!_(Chuckles.)_

Draco Malfoy:I don't believe in wood chucks.I think the world would be better off without those stupid wood chucks!

Hagrid:Wha's tha'?Those wood chucks don' breathe fire?Wha's the point if they can' breathe fire!

Professor Binns:It is a well known fact that wood chucks cannot chuck wood.Since back in 1889 the wood chuck was well known for not being able to chuck wood and so forth began and long and perilous road for the wood chuck, being heavily criticized for various reasons dealing with its disability in chucking wood…

Professor Snape:Ten points from the wood chucks and I want a full essay on why wood chucks can't chuck wood and the top ten uses for wood chuck spit.

Harry:That wood chuck's a brave one, it is.Being able to stand up to the crowd in the midst of it's wood-chucking disability.What a trooper!

Dobby:Dobby is not liking wood chucks, they cannot place bets!

When they have bad dreams:

Harry:_(Whispers.)_I see dead people.

Mr. Weasley:_(Keenly.)_Say, is that a Muggle trait?

Hermione:Oh my, what a horrible dream!I have to consult a book on dreams.Oh my, horrible, just horrible.Malfoy and I were getting married!

Draco Malfoy:Is it really so bad?

Draco Malfoy:_(Doing a Blair Witch Project.Panting and whispering.)_I so scared right now…

Ron:_(Snickering.)_Say, Malfoy…I didn't know you wore footie pajamas.

Pansy:_(Still dreaming.)_I'll never let go, Draco, I'll never let go.

Dudley:Noooo!Mum!

Petunia:What is it, my Dinky Duddydums?

Dudley:I had a bad dream and there was no more salami in the house.Nothing!

Dumbledore:Dreams are very interesting, actually.I just store all my dreams in my Pensieve.

Professor Snape:Ten points from Gryffindor for making me dream about Professor McGonagall.

Professor Trelawney:_(In her misty voice.)_Ahh, now I foretold you would have dreams about that.You were dreaming about me, were you not?

Professor Snape:Weren't you listening, you blockhead?!

Oliver Wood:_(Still dreaming.)_What?We didn't win the Quidditch Cup?What do you mean Harry used a fake Snitch?No!You can't take it from me!I'll never give it up!

Lucius Malfoy:What??!!Gore lost the election?Damn hanging chads!!

Narcissa Malfoy:Now, Lucius, the election was over two months ago.You know very well that Gore lost.

Lucius Malfoy:That's what happens when you let Muggles vote.

Crabbe:Pocket lint isn't good for you?


	5. Heheheh...they said what?! - 5

Heheheh…they said what

Heheheh…they said what?!

Oh, woe is me!

Voldemort:No!_(Sobs.)_How could you, you evil murderer!!_(Wipes his eyes.)_You killed Bambi's mommy!!Waaah!!Oh no…Wormtail…

Pettigrew:What did I tell you?You're not supposed to watch Bambi before bedtime!It ruins your contacts!And these special red snake eye ones are extra expensive, too!__

Cho:Hello, Harry.

Harry:_(Wearing a hat backwards, sunglasses, and a chain.)_Hey ho!!Call me H Doggy Dogg!What up?How's my main man?_(Does a funky dance around Cho.)_

Draco Malfoy:_(Dreaming and drooling.)_I wanna ride the pony……

Fred Weasley:We've decided to turn over a new leaf.

George:Yes, we've decided to stop trying to run a joke shop.

Fred:I can see it now! "Monty Python II and the Hogwarts Toilet Seat"!

Scene from Titanic:

_Jack:Promise me, Rose, that you'll survive this night…_

Rose:I promise Jack… 

Voldemort:How touching…it almost makes me want to convert to good.

_Rose:(Watches Jack float down to the bottom of the ocean, crying.)__I'll never let go, Jack…I'll never let go._

Voldemort:_(Clutches a tissue.Reaches for the TV screen.)_Jack…oh!_(Squirts Visine in his eyes.)_Don't go, Jack!

Dobby:Winky, Dobby has found a job for you!

Winky:Nothing will be as good as working for Master!!Waah!

Dobby:There is a job opening in a bar, Winky!Winky can work there and Dobby will be a card dealer in a nearby casino!

Pettigrew:_(Browsing through drapes in WalMart) _Which drapes do you think will look good with your bedding?

Voldemort:Oh, I just can't make up my mind.I absolutely love those pastel pink drapes, but they clash horribly with my adorable green bunny slippers!

Pettigrew:What about mauve?

Voldemort:Oh no, red makes me think of blood.You know how queasy I get at the sight of blood.

Pettigrew:You know, I plumb forgot about that!

Crabbe:You know, Goyle, I find that quadratic equations are quite stimulating for the mind.

Goyle:Yes, yes, I do agree, Crabbe.I have also found that Shakespeare is quite inspiring.Perhaps you and me should collaborate and create our own tragedy.

Crabbe:You mean, 'Perhaps you and I'

Draco Malfoy:Hey, what are you doing with my copy of Romeo and Juliet?

Goyle:Huh?_(Picks nose.Crabbe eats his earwax.)_

Malfoy:You two are hopeless.I don't even know how you got into Hogwarts in the first place.

**A/N:This is from Shrek.I know that as well as you do.**

Voldemort:_(Torturing a victim.)_Tell me where he is!!_Where is Harry Potter?_

Victim:OK!!_(Sobs.)_Okay, I'll tell you!_(Pause.)_Do you know…the muffin man?

Voldemort:The muffin man?

Victim:_(Sobbing.)_The muffin man!

Voldemort:_(Thoughtful.)_Yes, I know the muffin man…that one that lives in Hogsmeade, right?

Victim:Yes!_(Sob.)_Don't hurt me!

Voldemort:You know, Wormtail, I'm rather in the mood for muffins.

Wormtail:Blueberry ones are the best.


End file.
